Today is Monday, April 19, 2010. Today marks the 10 year anniversary that my brother, Neil Edward Herdina (27), died from natural causes.
I spent the afternoon up on a mountain that looks over the valley surrounding Cabanaconde. I could see many little plots of corn and wheat and it reminded me of home. I sat on a rock, close to the edge and thought about everything that happened around the time my brother died, starting from the night i got the first phone call. I sat there and remembered the details, and remembered the hope i had to think he would be alright before i got the final word that he had died. I sat there and felt all the saddness, anger, and pain that i have been carrying for all these years. I sat there and cried, cried, cried.
I decided that finally, after 10 years, its about time to let go of all those negative, hurting feelings. I dont need to be carrying them around anymore. Those are the feelings from the past, and today is the present. And today, i dont want to be sad, I want to be happy. I want to enjoy where i am and what im doing. And the same thing goes for tomorrow and the next day. I decided that, as Im sitting here, on a rock, in the middle of a beautiful valley in Peru. I want to start living my life and not let those things in the past stop me from doing it.
As i sat their crying, i allowed myself to release all those built up feelings that i barried for 10 years, for i feel, i am ready to move on. And then allowed myself to be open to new feelings of happiness, love, and laughter. For thats what life should be about anyway.
I had brought a little candle with me up on the mountain, but there was a nice, cool breeze that blew out the flame. So, when i was ready to leave my rock, i carried the candle back down with me. I walked back down the hill into the tiny village, across the Plaza de Armas, and across the street to the Church. Inside i found a heart shaped candle holder, and stuck my candle in the middle. I light this candle in hope to bring love, laughter, fortune, and life to all my family and friends, and of course, for myself.
I want to thank all of those back home for supporting me on my travels as i continue to learn and grow. I love you all.
